Ruby (roobyloo) wrote,

a narcissistic rant... look away now!

I feel so pathetic.
I'm really lonely at the moment. All my anxieties and insecurities have got 10 times worse recently and as a result I've hardly left the house in weeks. I have no real friends left anymore, I'm just sitting around depressed while everyone else gets on with their lives. I have no motivation and I dont even know why.

Everything is shit at the moment. Found out one of my aunt has cancer and I cant believe it. Shes the nicest person in my family, always looked out for everyone. There are plenty of arseholes who are cruel and nasty and yet shes the one who gets it. And she never hurt anyone. Life just isnt fair.
And its things like this which make me feel so guilty. I dont have cancer or any of the awful illnesses that some poor people have, yet I sit around feeling depressed and wallow in my own unhappiness. I'm disgusted with myself but I just cant bring myself to do anything about it. I dont want to go through therapy again and theres no point burdening any of my family with how i'm feeling. Sometimes I want to die but i stop myself from doing anything stupid coz I know it would destroy my mum and sisters.
Ugh. I dont know, just needed to get it all out. In my head, I'm always going on about the future. How it'll somehow be better when i get some confidence and get over my mental issues and get a job i love and really start enjoying my life. Now i'm thinking it'll never happen. I'm just kidding myself into believing theres some fairytale ending that will somehow jump out and change my life completely.

I thought I was getting better but in reality i'm getting worse.
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