Ruby (roobyloo) wrote,

slighty expect some rambles

No sleep again. I just sat up and thought about things all night...

I was supposed to go for a blood test last week so the doctor can sort out my fucked-up-ness. I keep putting it off though due to my irrational phobia of blood tests. I think i'm the only person in the world who is terrified of the band they use to get a vein up and couldnt care less about the needle :/
I think it subconciously reminds me of what happened to my dad. He had a band tied around his arm when he died, i didnt understand why back then though. Ive blocked it out for so long that i just dont think about it anymore, its like it never even happened. And in a weird twisted way I sometimes wonder if it was my fault he died. even though i was only 5 years old and couldnt have done fuck all.
Meh i dont even know why I'm writing about it now. It upsets me as I can remember it so clearly. I was thinking about him last night while i was feeling all spaced out and tired. I want to write properly about it might help to write exactly how i feel. It might stop it from constantly being at the back of my mind. Maybe.

Katy seems to be ok but shes not talking much. Not to me or mum, or anyone. And it worries me because she usually talks to me all the time, about everything. My other sister (Dolly) phoned this morning to talk to her but I had to tell her that she was asleep and wasnt up to talking - though that was probably a lie.
I miss Dolly in a way too. I was never as close to her as I was to Kate, even though i should have been because twins are meant to be "telepathic" and have a close bond etc...I can honestly say that its like she highlights the fact I'm a complete fuck up.

I love her to bits but it frustrates me that when I look at her, its almost like looking in a mirror ...yet somehow she'll always be better-looking than me. People dont think that with identical twins, one can be prettier than the other, but they can. And i'm the ugly one. What makes it worse is that shes never let anything stop her. She never let all the shit that happened when we were younger change her, shes really confident and clever and talented and witty with loads of friends. She rents her flat and shes sorted out all the payments with the friends she lives with so theyre hardly ever in financial trouble. She balances working with part time studing...and shes only 18. Shes the one who got a great education while I came out with next to nothing. And i know its my fault but i still feel so inadequate. Shes like a better version of me, i'm the pale comparison. And although she had an ED and depression too, she overcame it. Maybe thats why I feel closer to Katy. Because Dolly highlights all my flaws and the shittyness of my life. I do absolutely nothing but sit and sponge and worry and obsess over my various illnesses so they consume me.

Im reading back over this thinking what a load of shit it is and i doubt anyone will bother reading it. But thats ok. Its made me feel better to ramble on about it.
OMG i just went into the kitchen and was thinking of having some bread...looked at the bag and saw that one slice has about 200 calories o_O and its the tesco brand bread. Wtf are the putting in it?! Ill have to go out later and get some low cal bread or something, theres no way i can eat that.
I need coffee...
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