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a narcissistic rant... look away now! [17 Apr 2008|07:20pm]
I feel so pathetic.
I'm really lonely at the moment. All my anxieties and insecurities have got 10 times worse recently and as a result I've hardly left the house in weeks. I have no real friends left anymore, I'm just sitting around depressed while everyone else gets on with their lives. I have no motivation and I dont even know why.

Everything is shit at the moment. Found out one of my aunt has cancer and I cant believe it. Shes the nicest person in my family, always looked out for everyone. There are plenty of arseholes who are cruel and nasty and yet shes the one who gets it. And she never hurt anyone. Life just isnt fair.
And its things like this which make me feel so guilty. I dont have cancer or any of the awful illnesses that some poor people have, yet I sit around feeling depressed and wallow in my own unhappiness. I'm disgusted with myself but I just cant bring myself to do anything about it. I dont want to go through therapy again and theres no point burdening any of my family with how i'm feeling. Sometimes I want to die but i stop myself from doing anything stupid coz I know it would destroy my mum and sisters.
Ugh. I dont know, just needed to get it all out. In my head, I'm always going on about the future. How it'll somehow be better when i get some confidence and get over my mental issues and get a job i love and really start enjoying my life. Now i'm thinking it'll never happen. I'm just kidding myself into believing theres some fairytale ending that will somehow jump out and change my life completely.

I thought I was getting better but in reality i'm getting worse.
pennies in the slot machine

morrissey... [27 Jan 2008|10:59pm]
Its been quite a crap week to be honest!
You know I was excited about seeing Morrissey? Well I went to see him on Friday in Camden and the whole gig was cancelled after 3 songs coz he was too ill to carry on. So so disappointed!! I know its not his fault as I think he had laryngitis but it had to happen the one time I go to see him lol. At least I got to see Russel Brand and Jonathan Ross there tho...they came on stage to make the announcement that he couldnt come back on.
Girl In A Coma were supporting and they were really good. They played 'Their Cell' which I LOVE, its one of my fave songs. So i guess it wasnt all bad!
Been having a bit of a down day today. Just stayed in bed all day. Such a waste of a day...oh well :)
pennies in the slot machine

[24 Dec 2007|01:39pm]
So its been a while since ive done a proper update so..

Things have been ok recently, im feeling a lot better in myself and with how life is going generally. Maybe its just coz its christmas lol? Had a nice night with Luke (the on-off guy Ive been seeing since the summer) and we're getting quite close now. Its scary coz i dont like letting myself get close to people, I'm waiting for it all to go wrong. He gave me such a nice christmas card (all glittery and purple!!) and wrote in it that he knows we've had our ups and downs but I still mean alot to him. That choked me up a bit coz nobody ever says stuff like that to me, ever. I keep waiting for it to go down the shitter because quite honestly, things like this dont happen to me. Literally everything goes wrong (usually). But I'll stop saying things like that coz I dont want to jinx it lol.

I think Christmas will be good this year. Me and Kate are going round to my mum's and I think Dolly is gonna come visit too. I havent seen her in SO long so its gonna be really weird! At least someone else (my mum) is cooking the christmas dinner tho, I'd end up doing it wrong probably XD

Anyway i hope everyone reading this has a great christmas and a happy new year :) xxx
pennies in the slot machine

[23 Nov 2007|11:57am]
[ mood | excited ]

OMG this morning my sister managed to get 2 tickets for us to go and see Morrissey on Jan 25th!!! Im SO excited, i've been dancing around all morning. Cant wait to go, its really cheered me up! :D

3 |pennies in the slot machine

[01 Nov 2007|07:15pm]
Let me start by saying....I looooooove Britney's new album, its so good. If you havent heard it yet then HURRY UP coz its cheered me up loads lately!
Which is just as well coz things have been a bit crap over the past few weeks. Just havent felt like doing anything except stay in bed and write and read and i used to paint but i dont have any decent stuff to paint with left and i cant be arsed to go shopping. But I did go out for halloween (dressed as a cat lol). Lost my cat ears tho so I'm sad :(

Stuff with Luke is confusing me. Sometimes i wish i'd never got involved with him coz hes one huge headfuck. But the less said about him the better, I cant be bothered to talk about him. At least not til things are better anyway (if they get better)

Im off to watch some tv anyway. and maybe listen to the Britney album some more lol
3 |pennies in the slot machine

[16 Aug 2007|05:49pm]
Today was good. I went on a wander around the streets of Kent and ended up walking round a supermarket looking at food and thinking what i could cook when i get out of my depressive lazy mode. I really enjoy cooking for others, i just dont enjoy eating it afterwards =/
I also took some photos of nothing in particular because I felt like it. And the sky looked quite pretty. Maybe i'll post them later...the ones that arent shit that is!
3 |pennies in the slot machine

[10 Aug 2007|12:51am]
[ mood | confused ]

Ive been feeling so shit lately, its like my depression has really hit hard all of a sudden. Things havent been going so well. I've been getting more and more involved with Luke (the guy i met while out at a club) and today he said he doesnt think we "see enough of eachother" and he was considering just not bothering with me again. He was full of bullshit like "it would be different if circumstances were different..." (not sure how) but the whole thing has left me feeling like crap. Its like Im never good enough for anyone. Not pretty enough, not fun enough, not dedicated enough. And i thought it was going well. Why am i not enough?

I just want to sleep for a very long time

pennies in the slot machine

[01 Aug 2007|08:19pm]
Quick update coz I'm bored. Well I havent done much for the past few days except sit around, read, paint and watch Big Brother XD was surprised that Chanelle walked off the show but then kinda expected it. Everything she said to Ziggy was true, he did kinda treat her like a doormat and Carole annoys me for stirring everything up, grr. Brian to win...or maybe the twins, not sure. I liked last year's BB better than this one.

Kate has gone to visit my mum and I think she's staying overnight so I have the place to myself (well technically the cat's here too so maybe I'm not totally alone lol). Hope nobody tries to break in...that has actually happened before and it makes me really paranoid whenever Im here by myself! Someone tried to get in and was banging the door and rattling the handle but eventually they went away :( horrible!

Well dont have much to say so will update again when something interesting happens lol
pennies in the slot machine

[25 Jul 2007|03:54pm]
It was my cousin Sam's 20th birthday yesterday so I popped round to her house with Kate to see her. It was all ok until she mentioned that one of her friends from work was coming round too. Sam couldnt stress enough, like for the whole time we were there, that this girl's mum had recently died of cancer. She kept saying stuff like "DONT SPEAK ABOUT ANYTING RELATED TO DEATH OR CANCER"...I mean, as if I'd say anything like that- does she really think I'm that insensitive?

Sometimes I think Sam's too much of a good girl- if only she knew..... She's so kind-hearted but I think she takes it too far. Shes never talks about anything bad because she thinks the whole world should be like a Disney film.

I wasn't really that close to my dad in the latter part of his life, like when he was really majorly into drugs, and trying to buy us and stuff, but still, I was REALLY upset when he died - both at the time and years later. And even tho i was so young i remember everything so clearly. Even when i was a few years older there were still times i felt like i was in some sort of daze. At one point I even told myself he was still alive- i remember my uncle phoned up and he sounds JUST like my dad, i thought I'd gone mad!

The point really, is that although I was upset when my dad died, and the stuff that happened in the years after affected me very badly too, I eventually learnt to get on with it. It taught me that not everything in life is happy and sometimes things arent perfect. Ive never needed sympathy from anyone. I do understand that not everyone's like that, but I wish Sam would zip it sometimes. If I was in that girl's shoes(the one whose mum died) I'd be sick of all the attention, and people feeling sorry for you. I probably sound really insensitive but I'm not trying to be. I just know what its like to lose a parent and sometimes its best not to dwell on it.

So anyway the girl came round and it was all fine but we didnt stay that long coz we were actually getting quite sick of Sam going on and on.

Apart from that little event ive just been drinking alot and cleaning the house. Oh and dancing with my cat lol. Its all good..
pennies in the slot machine

[19 Jul 2007|07:04pm]
Sooo, news - whats been going on in my boring life. Well I dyed my hair blonde (with the help of my sister's bleach!) the other day and to my surprise it turned out ok! Its amazing what boredom can do. my hair has taken so much damage with the amount of times I dye it lol so this may be the last colour change for a while. My twin sister Dolly is also blonde tho so its gonna be a problem telling us apart again - which is weird cos that hasnt happened for years! Then again I dont see her very often anymore so maybe not!

Ive spent the last few days doing nothing...felt quite depressed yesterday and for most of today so I just stayed in bed writing and painting. Such a slob...

Nothing else to say really cos not much has happened to be honest :) hehe
pennies in the slot machine

[11 Jul 2007|06:52pm]
I've been in the worst mood ever for about 2 days running. The sort of mood where I just want to get into bed and never get out, I blame the crap weather.

Last weekend was good though. I persuaded Kate to come out with me and (to my surprise) she actually did. I took her to a quiet little old man pub near my flat and bought her a few drinks, then we went on to a club. (such a total dive of a place but we had so much fun). I'm so proud of Kate as I cant remember the last time she agreed to go out and have a good time. Shes usually so insecure and paranoid and it seems like shes finally getting a bit better. Same goes for me, I guess as I usually do nothing apart from be a neurotic slob.

Hmmm news? Well that night I met a few new people, one of them being a mysterious boy with big brown eyes that I got slightly obsessed with. We swapped numbers and spoke about pointless things. And I've been talking to him for most of the day...eeee. His name is Luke and its the first time in ages that I've been interested in someone. So will keep you updated.

Someone is shouting and revving their car in the street outside and its so loud. Grrr
I cant think of anything else to write and i cant concentrate either. I swear I have ADHD lol.
More updates later x
pennies in the slot machine

[30 Jun 2007|07:46pm]
You know in my last entry I said I'd be better at updating? Well, looks like I lied (by accident, of course). I had the best intentions! Lol.

Anyway it seems like time has been going by so fast. Cant believe its almost July! Was me and Dolly's birthday last Monday so Mum came round for a bit to see me and wish me a happy birthday. She gave me £40 too which was great as I'm a bit low on cash at the moment. I didnt get to see Dolly as she was in Essex celebrating with friends (and her new boyfriend I think). We did speak on the phone though which was nice.

Its quite sad really. I was thinking earlier how things have changed so much since we were little. As kids, me and Dolly always celebrated our birthday together. We even shared a cake and stuff, but now we hardly ever spend time together. Its not too bad as I've got Kate and we always support eachother but I do miss Dolly sometimes. But thats life i suppose..

I really need to start doing something with my life, I feel like such a slob sometimes. I still havent got round to starting college (i dont feel ready to be honest) and I just sit in all day writing and painting. Which is very creative and all but it doesnt help pay the rent! I havent been feeling too good in myself lately either. All my shit thoughts about myself have been coming back and its so emotionally draining. Its like as soon as I feel i'm getting better and things are going ok, I just hit a wall in my head and start going backwards.

Grrrr its so frustrating. Im gonna go now and clean up my pigsty of a flat but at least I did a substantial update eh? xxx
pennies in the slot machine

[27 Sep 2006|10:24am]
Sorry for the lack of update. Have been having a really shit time lately, both my nan and my sister Kate are now in hospital (my nan had a bad fall and broke one of her legs and Kate has been taken in again after she tried to slit her wrists). Its so depressing. Everyone thought Kate was slowly getting better but shes just as sad and lonely as ever. I just want to make everything better for her and take away all the shit but I cant do that. I cant even sort myself out let alone her.

My other sister Dolly came round last week. It was a bit awkward as I didnt really feel like talking to her. She seems to be doing great while im stuck here. Its difficult hearing about her fabulous life, her friends, her flat, her course and how she hopes to apply to uni this year etc...I know Im just too fucked up to do or have any of those things.

Hmm this is depressing. Sorry everyone. Im gonna go and sleep now
2 |pennies in the slot machine

[06 Sep 2006|01:37pm]
I watched Gangster No 1 last night, its a good film for anyone who hasnt seen it. I like gangster films for some reason. The bad thing about the one i saw last night is that all the characters talk about having tea loads (probably living up to the brit stereotype lol) and i always end up craving tea while im watching it :/

This morning i went shopping with my sister Katy. We stayed out about half an hour but when we were looking round at stuff in Topshop she said she was feeling really shaky and paranoid like everyone was staring at her. So we got a bus home quick coz i dont like seeing her upset.
My mum is sitting with her now in the front room. We've got my nan coming down today so we've had to tidy up...as the flat looked like a bombsite lol. She phoned the other day and was talking about my cousin Lewis and his girlfriend. She found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago and now theyre looking for a flat or a small house to live in. Sometimes i wonder what its like to be normal. To want to get married and look for a house to live in together. To have a family and a job and ambition. I feel like i do nothing, like theres no point in me existing. I cant ever imagine myself being normal and doing what other people do.
pennies in the slot machine

slighty hungover...so expect some rambles [30 Aug 2006|12:25pm]
No sleep again. I just sat up and thought about things all night...

I was supposed to go for a blood test last week so the doctor can sort out my fucked-up-ness. I keep putting it off though due to my irrational phobia of blood tests. I think i'm the only person in the world who is terrified of the band they use to get a vein up and couldnt care less about the needle :/
I think it subconciously reminds me of what happened to my dad. He had a band tied around his arm when he died, i didnt understand why back then though. Ive blocked it out for so long that i just dont think about it anymore, its like it never even happened. And in a weird twisted way I sometimes wonder if it was my fault he died. even though i was only 5 years old and couldnt have done fuck all.
Meh i dont even know why I'm writing about it now. It upsets me as I can remember it so clearly. I was thinking about him last night while i was feeling all spaced out and tired. I want to write properly about it later..it might help to write exactly how i feel. It might stop it from constantly being at the back of my mind. Maybe.

Katy seems to be ok but shes not talking much. Not to me or mum, or anyone. And it worries me because she usually talks to me all the time, about everything. My other sister (Dolly) phoned this morning to talk to her but I had to tell her that she was asleep and wasnt up to talking - though that was probably a lie.
I miss Dolly in a way too. I was never as close to her as I was to Kate, even though i should have been because twins are meant to be "telepathic" and have a close bond etc...I can honestly say that its like she highlights the fact I'm a complete fuck up.

I love her to bits but it frustrates me that when I look at her, its almost like looking in a mirror ...yet somehow she'll always be better-looking than me. People dont think that with identical twins, one can be prettier than the other, but they can. And i'm the ugly one. What makes it worse is that shes never let anything stop her. She never let all the shit that happened when we were younger change her, shes really confident and clever and talented and witty with loads of friends. She rents her flat and shes sorted out all the payments with the friends she lives with so theyre hardly ever in financial trouble. She balances working with part time studing...and shes only 18. Shes the one who got a great education while I came out with next to nothing. And i know its my fault but i still feel so inadequate. Shes like a better version of me, i'm the pale comparison. And although she had an ED and depression too, she overcame it. Maybe thats why I feel closer to Katy. Because Dolly highlights all my flaws and the shittyness of my life. I do absolutely nothing but sit and sponge and worry and obsess over my various illnesses so they consume me.

Im reading back over this thinking what a load of shit it is and i doubt anyone will bother reading it. But thats ok. Its made me feel better to ramble on about it.
OMG i just went into the kitchen and was thinking of having some bread...looked at the bag and saw that one slice has about 200 calories o_O and its the tesco brand bread. Wtf are the putting in it?! Ill have to go out later and get some low cal bread or something, theres no way i can eat that.
I need coffee...
pennies in the slot machine

[29 Aug 2006|03:15pm]
My eyes are twitching and they sting a bit too. Probably because I couldnt sleep last night (or most nights for that matter) but then again I only ever seem to sleep when I'm drunk :/

I look and feel shitty.

Good news is that my sister is back from hospital. Shes been put onto an outpatient scheme so hopefully she'll start to feel better. It makes me feel sad for her though.. shes even thinner than me and half of me thinks she looks beautiful but the other half knows that she was close to death and I'd want to die myself if i lost her. Shes about the only person who truly knows how I felt, who knows about all the shit we've both had to go through. My mum is about as un-understanding as anyone can get, I'd rather talk to my cat about my problems than her.

My cat cheers me up in times like this actually. Everyone should have a cat.
pennies in the slot machine

[11 Aug 2006|01:53pm]

[mostly] Friends Only
because i'm paranoid
pennies in the slot machine

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